Local media has revealed that President Xi Jinping endures a grueling work schedule, and enjoys little personal time. More troublingly, the article suggests, Xi barely eats, has not spoken to his wife in three years and his estranged daughter doesn’t even recognize photographs of him.
China Daily Show has obtained an exclusive copy of the President’s typical working schedule
0600 Wake up
0630 Mood spoiled by looking outside
0715 Go for shower: No hot water
0745 Building manager explains hot water disconnected for next two weeks (no reason given)
0815 Elevator out of action. Take stairs to lobby to find Presidential Scooter missing, despite being locked and parked next to security camera
0825 Guard explains CCTV doesn’t actually work, so it’s not their responsibility
0828 Order complete purge at CCTV
0916 Arrive late for breakfast meeting with Zambian dignitaries. After twenty minutes, realize they’re actually from Zaire. Ease tension by signing multi-million-dollar mining deal
1020 Read daily briefings on way to airport. Text mistress
1034 Mood spoiled by confidential financial briefing
1050 Awoken by wife asking if anyone’s seen diamante iPhone
1115 Waste several minutes trying to add credit to phone
1230 Arrive at departure desk to find flight grounded by smog and Burger King shut
1245 Discover chauffeur has left and phone’s turned off
1255 Decide to drop by regular restaurant for “surprise” visit
1325 Waitress brings the pork and cabbage but inexplicably forgets rice, despite being reminded twice
1345 Politely autograph table, chair, avoiding skin contact with any surface
1350 Cancel trip to “upcoming” hipster alley
1405 Elle magazine want to do feature on Asiatic strongmen but insist on having Putin on the cover. Block Elle’s website in retaliation
1435 Arrive at huge building to make long, rambling speech about the importance of Silk Road, Confucius and Trotsky. Receive thunderous applause
1515 Sit in back of limo and make long, rambling speech about the importance of Silk Road website, Pop Tarts and Donald Duck. Receive thunderous applause
1556 Sign-off next week’s purge: Chop, sign and stamp all documents
1620 Discover single character was incorrect, start again
1705 Head to nearest park. Spend hour rubbing back against tree, walking backwards, cartwheeling arms and clapping hands
1810 Mood spoiled by prolonged dispute with elderly woman
1856 Read tomorrow’s edition of the People’s Daily on way home
1915 Mood spoiled by prolonged dispute with lunch
1945 Dress for banquet at Great Hall of the People. Finally select black suit, red tie
2015 Greet Tanzanian/ Uzbekistani/ Indonesian/ Russian Minister’s delegation, make quick speech about boosting bilateral ties
2025 Open first bottle of wine
2045 Declare both countries are “ancient best friends”
2054 Ask if anyone wants private tour of Mao’s mausoleum
2114 Text mistress
2122 Black out
2230 Wake up behind desk littered with work reports
2242 Jot some random authoritarian notes in margin
2252 Stand in front of window, staring glassily at smog-obscured night sky, while confronted by Nietzschean vision of eugenic authority
2345 Fall asleep
2346 Have Chinese Dream
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