By WI TO
Democracy Correspondent
HONG KONG — Hailed by local authorities as “totalitarian yet necessary,” Hong Kong’s government today rolled out a HK$1 million (MNT440,201,000) reward offer for any citizen who reports others for the use of democratic decision-making, marking a historic crackdown on the dangerous practice of giving people choices.
Secretary for Security Chris Tang made the announcement while leafing through the city’s telephone directory, declaring, “We are naming suspects who, through brazen majority-rule antics, pose a grave threat to the city’s stability.” The list of offenders includes Wong Chi-keung, 34; Chan Mei-ling, 27; and even Lo Yiu-ming, 60—along with literally anyone else who has ever cast a vote, raised a hand in agreement, or dared to suggest a preference for one thing over another.
“After extensive surveillance,” Tang continued, “we are confident that all 7.6 million people of Hong Kong are guilty of sedition under the guise of democracy. From toddlers choosing apple juice over grape to office workers deciding between hotpot and Pizza Hut, the city is rife with the use of unharmonious Westernized democracy,” Tang continued, visibly upset at the thought of anyone getting what they actually wanted over the authoritative and rightfully arbitrary decision of someone else in power.
Authorities are particularly concerned about incidents where schoolchildren have engaged in mock elections for yearbook covers or whether reading was acceptable during naptime, which Tang described as “gateway activities” to full-blown public consultations. “We cannot allow a generation to grow up thinking they have agency,” he warned.
The government is now also monitoring potential subversive acts, such as families letting children vote on which streaming service to watch and colleagues creating online polls for office theme parties. “This level of lawlessness and chaos cannot be tolerated,” Tang concluded, before finishing the press conference by adding: “Remember, snitches get riches.”
At press time, the entire Executive Council of Hong Kong recoiled in horror as each of the members realized they had all recently participated in the use of the democratic process by making their voices heard on the very policy to arrest and prosecute everyone in the city for voting for what they wanted.
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