Beijing Cites 17th-Century Observatory Records As Binding Interplanetary Law
By KONGJIAN JINGSAI
Space Correspondent
MARS ORBIT — The Chinese Space Navy announced Thursday it had completed a “routine patrol” of the Earth–Mars corridor, while blasting the Venusian–Saturnalian Space Alliance (VSSA) for “undermining regional peace” by venturing into what Beijing insists are “historical Chinese space possessions.”
“Since 1658, when Jesuit astronomer Ferdinand Verbiest visited Beijing, calculated the heavens, and built the Imperial Observatory, China has held rightful sovereignty over all stars visible from the capital,” a Chinese Space Navy spokesperson declared.
Despite the VSSA’s colonies on Uranus and Neptune, and its ships capable of reaching the Kuiper Belt with ease, China insists its four-century-old celestial map entitles it to entire stellar systems. These include Sirius in Canis Major, 8.6 light years from Earth, and Deneb in Cygnus, more than 2,600 light years away.
Despite lacking the technological capability to visit any planetary body beyond Mars, China maintains the VSSA has already encroached on its rightful territory. “Just because you can see it doesn’t mean it’s yours,” a VSSA spokesbeing responded. “Your ships can’t even limp past the Asteroid Belt without breaking down and killing half your taikonauts. Maybe base your ‘historical claims’ on what your hilariously obsolete hardware can actually reach.”
At press time, Chinese astronomers were laying claim to the very origins of the universe, approximately 13.5 billion light-years away.
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