By BO KUANGYI
Legal Correspondent
JINAN (China Daily Show) — Amid scenes of unheard-of drama in Shandong, former Chongqing Party Secretary Bo Xilai was, this morning, spectacularly cleared of all charges relating to embezzlement, misuse of power, and poor fashion sense.
Standing on the steps of the Jinan Intermediate People’s Court, a dark-suited Bo told reporters that he was delighted with the outcome — but not surprised.
“I always knew I’d win: I trust in the system and my innocence,” Bo told a stunned media. “China is a country under rule of law, yadda, yadda, yadda.”
Asked what he would do next, a smirking Bo replied: “Obviously, spend time with my family. Probably have a couple of light beers, to celebrate. Moving forward, though, I plan to hunt my accusers down to the ends of the earth, revenging my dishonor upon every single last one of the back-stabbing turtles’ eggs who put me here, as well as seven generations of their ancestors. As is my legal right.”
Contacted by China Daily Show, a stunned legal expert said that the surprise acquittal was “probably a good thing..? I cannot be certain. I will need to talk to a few people — is this call being recorded?”
After being assured it was, Professor Zhang Beixing located a prepared statement he had written some days previously, under the assumption that Bo would be found guilty, and sent to jail for years.
“This really proves that China does has rule of law,” Zhang hesitantly croaked. “Doesn’t it?”
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