Chinese Spies Report Aimlessness, Depression, After Finding Advanced Spycraft Techniques Unnecessary In Trump Administration

“It’s a struggle to maintain morale among our staff when high-ranking Trump officials breach security protocols or leak classified intelligence voluntarily, without our agents having to lift a finger,” said Liu Xuefeng, a master spy with China’s Ministry of State Security, who oversees training for agents assigned to foreign operations.

Liu explained that his agents spend thousands of hours mastering coercion, misdirection, and seductive pillow talk designed to coax targets into divulging secrets.

“I love my country and the Communist Party above all else,” said Zhao Lanying, who’s currently undercover as a high school physics teacher in suburban Washington, D.C., and feigns an interest in collecting garden gnomes. “I sacrificed everything to become a spy for China, mastering Sanda, Qinna, behavioral tradecraft, and social seduction. Yet, everything my station chief needed was revealed when the thief who stole Kristi Noem’s purse posted pictures of its contents to Twitter. My handler only Zoomed me to say I didn’t need to file my weekly report, and ended our chat after three minutes. I felt totally useless.”

It’s not just Chinese operatives feeling despondent. Career counselor Madeline Johnson said her calendar is filled with intelligence officers from across the world experiencing acute inadequacy since Trump’s second term began.

“I had a patient in tears this morning over how casually this administration handles classified material—things like access control lists or air-gapping secure files,” Johnson said. “He told me that under Obama, document exploitation might require months of meticulous surveillance, and behavioral mapping. Under Trump, he just waited for a CIA officer to leave his briefcase at an Old Country Buffet. He’s so disillusioned with the direction the Americans are going, he’s thinking of quitting the SVR to help run his parents’ grocery store back in St. Petersburg.”

In nearly every major city with an American embassy or consulate, support groups have sprung up to provide emotional safe spaces for secret agents grieving the sudden irrelevance of their careers.

“Our bosses still let us come into the office for meetings or to shoot the shit with fellow spies. Nobody’s lost access to a car or safehouse yet, but it’s hard to see what relevance any of us have anymore, and we’re all expecting a manager to hand us pink slips some Friday afternoon,” said Xu Meilan, an MSS spy attending a recent support meeting in Sydney. “The thrill is completely gone. You used to need three hours of drinking and flirting in a nightclub to get invited to your target’s apartment for a glance at their unlocked phone while they’re in the loo. Now these new American agents volunteer drone specs just because I complimented their tie with a wink.”

“These new spies are unimaginably stupid,” marveled Reza Mahdavi, with Iran’s Ministry of Intelligence and Security, while setting up the chairs for another support group in Paris. “All I did was sit next to one at an airport gate. He took one look at me, decided I was a fellow gym bro, and asked, ‘Wanna see something cool?’ Seconds later, he’s showing me blueprints of the White House and classified intel from Five Eyes. I didn’t spend five years learning nine languages just to hear someone say, ‘You seem chill, but keep this between us, yeah? I promised my boss I wouldn’t tell anyone.’”

At press time, the newest director of the NRO was emailing highly classified satellite images to that cool guy he met at the bar last night who reportedly, “just wanted to see if they match the ones I have.”