By XING CHOUWEN
Entertainment Correspondent
BEIJING (China Daily Show) — Self-defined “citizen of the world” and all-round quintessential douchebag Aaron Mackiewicz of Columbus, Ohio has unwittingly become one of China’s most well-known foreigners, after reports of his drunken, offensive antics surfaced on domestic file-sharing websites.
Speaking semi-clothed from the all-weather balcony of a Nanluoguxiang bar, the insufferable US douche sensation told China Daily Show how, prior to arriving in China, he had dismissed the Communist country as “buttoned-up tight-asses… not ready for a freewheeling dude like myself. But after I arrived, I found this is totally a free country.”
Mackiewicz went on to say that he immediately began to enjoy his new-found freedoms by indulging in acts previously denied him in his home country of America, a nation he describes as being “run by a bunch of Nazis in uniform.”
These newly-found “God-given rights” included:
- Urinating on the base of a statue of former leader Chairman Mao Zedong at the Beijing Institute of Technology (BIT)
- Loudly condemning the ruling Chinese Communist Party within earshot of a train guard
- Openly reading semi-pornographic magazines on public transport, and
- Exposing himself accidentally to a busload of students on his return from Fragrant Hills Park after a 6am visit
This final incident was captured on mobile-phone camera by disgusted student Lei Wei, 22, who uploaded it to Mop, a popular Chinese Internet forum. The post led to an explosion of comments, including a detailed description of the BIT statue incident by an outraged college professor, confirmed by Mackiewicz as “totally true.”
During a three-week holiday in the People’s Republic of China, Mackiewicz, known without affection online as “Brother Dickhead,” has had his movements traced by Beijing’s Public Security Bureau, whose chief Wei Tao today confirmed receipt of over 40 official complaints that an “obese, red-haired foreign devil” was harassing citizens.
Wei vowed that the police would only act in the event that the ongoing Internet meme ceases to be popular. “When he stops getting clicks, we’ll move in,” he promised China Daily Show.
Mackiewicz – described by close friends variously as an “unbelievable buffoon,” “jerk-off” and “complete and utter motherfucker” – remains unaware of his notoriety, however. “I have a date for tonight,” he remarked between dry heaves on the steps of the Smuggler’s bar in Sanlitun, as a growing crowd of revolted tourists gathered to watch.
Webmaster Ellen Wu admitted that a meeting between her and Mackiewicz was indeed scheduled for this evening. The attractive 20-year-old said she had a bet with online friends to see if she can trick the unlovable Internet jack-ass into ingesting a large quantity of paint thinner, with the edited footage available online as soon as Wu can locate enough comedic sound effects.
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