By WING WONG WANG
Foreign Affairs Correspondent
BEIJING (China Daily Show) — In a surprise proposal that has the Chinese mainland and Taiwan alike scratching their heads, the incoming Trump administration is reportedly considering charging Taiwan “protection fees” to shield the island from the ever-present “fire-breathing dragon” of mainland China. In Beijing, government officials were quick to react, sharing solemn wisdom and nodding sagely around a big table.
“The Great Eagle flies over distant seas only when it senses profit,” quipped China’s Minister of National Defense, Dong Jun, with a sigh. “It is well-known in the East that one does not trade one’s pigsty for another’s troubles. The notion that Taiwan would pay for American ‘protection’ only demonstrates their childish delusions.”
Foreign Minister Wang Yi expressed a similar sentiment. “The idea of Taiwan paying for protection is like a lone bamboo shoot daring to withstand a typhoon,” he said, shaking his head. “A storm doesn’t care if you paid a toll fee or not.”
Xi Jinping, ever the philosopher, reportedly muttered, “He who tries to dance with the bear will be eaten by the bear.”
Meanwhile, the mainland press painted vivid scenarios of American ‘protection’ as a sham, with many speculating that Taiwan might end up paying for the privilege of becoming the world’s most expensive, unofficial U.S. protectorate. Chinese citizens in Beijing’s famed tea houses seemed particularly amused.
“Maybe next the Americans will charge us for the moon,” laughed Huang Wei, a resident in a Zhongnanhai tea shop. “With their debt, they might charge us for sunshine and rain. I wonder if they’ll try to invoice us for the air we breathe?”
Another patron, Li Yong, leaned forward to offer his perspective. “Taiwan could be roasted on both sides like a Peking duck – pay the U.S. for ‘protection’ and still face the wrath of the mainland.” He chuckled, adding, “But at least they might get a free American flag keychain—’Made in China’, of course.”
Taiwan Responds with T-Shirts, Nano-Chips, and Dreams of Statehood
Over in Taiwan, government officials are reportedly considering the idea with an unexpected degree of openness. Kuomintang (KMT) Chairman Eric Chu was seen pondering the possibility, explaining, “If we are to become some form of American ally, or protectorate… why not go all the way? Hawai’ians are happy, right?”
Taiwanese Premier Cho Jung-tai expressed interest in an arrangement but cautioned, “We’re a bit short on liquid cash at the moment, but we can offer quality export goods – our t-shirts, semiconductors, plastics, and machined parts are among the finest in Asia. Would President Trump wear our shirts on the golf course?”
An impromptu “on-the-street” interview with a Taiwanese citizen revealed both confusion and hope. “If we become part of the U.S., does that mean we can have In-N-Out burgers and not just beef noodle soup?” wondered Chen Mei, a shop owner in Taipei. “But, wait, will we have to vote in American elections? I’ve heard it’s… complicated.”
Adding to the surreal nature of the proposal, incoming U.S. Secretary of State Marco Rubio attempted to clarify Washington’s stance, though his words left the situation murkier. “Taiwan should understand that true friendship costs money, sometimes a lot of it,” he said. “But with that investment comes American freedom, which is priceless.”
At press time, Taiwan’s largest garment manufacturer, WayWayTex, was reportedly putting the finishing touches on a limited run of red, white, and blue “Health and Longevity to President Trump” t-shirts, a hopeful tribute of things to come.
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