Official Report: Xi Jinping’s Family “Rich As Shit”

As the government’s purported anti-corruption laws don’t mean shit to anybody who matters, the report explains that “basically everyone you know, even your fucking loser of a brother-in-law” in China is, “on the fucking take,” whether that is getting paid ‘access money’—money that grants access to government dip, exclusive operational licenses, or “that’s mines” land-use permits—and ‘speed money’, which makes sure “projects get fucking done tomorrow” and don’t vanish under “bureaucratic bullshit” that you “shouldn’t even have to deal with right now.”

As President of China, Xi has tucked away titles to luxury whips, cribs, and factories, corporate stocks, actual “fat stacks of cash,” and “those fancy certificates with raised lettering” printed on “that really high-end paper shit”—all hidden amongst his wife Peng Liyuan, siblings, nieces, nephews, and a cousin who is “actually his legit uncle—on his mom’s side.”

The report made it clear that Xi, being the top dog, had access to all the “411 that nobody except the real players would know,” allowing him to “put wins on the board,” while making sure not to “step in the shit” with loser companies that everyone knew were, “fucked from the beginning.”

Instead of, like, eradicating corruption, the massive weight of the Communist gànbù is instead used to ensure an escalating and stringent “ride-or-die” loyalty test among party officials ensuring they are “down with the sickness”. Any official—even ones “with all their badges, tote bags, and mugs”—either “rides at the front”, or ends up in one of those prisons “depicted in a Dickens novel or some shit,” the report concluded.

At press time, Xi said he “knows a guy” who could “take care of that for you,” and then he made that hand-cupping motion which totally means he was waiting for you to bribe him.