MSS Overwhelmed By Influx of Intelligence After Successful 100% Recruitment of Chinese Diaspora as Foreign Spies

Speaking to a China Daily Show reporter from beneath a collapsed tower of hardcopy dossiers, printed files, handwritten logs, and grocery store circulars from 17 countries, Deputy Section Chief Liang Meixuan, in charge of expanding the asset collection program, explained the need for additional data. “We’ve always had a few thousand external liaisons working in academia, high-profile restaurants, galleries, and corporations across the world. But even as broad as that intelligence gathering seemed, we suspected valuable information was going uncollected.”

Through a combination of financial incentives, appeals to loyalty to the motherland, and coercive pressure on the local families of those living abroad, the Ministry successfully completed its goal of enrolling every person born in China, Shanghai, Hong Kong, and Macau who had emigrated to a country not under CCP control to become a secret agent. These newly enlisted assets were promptly instructed to begin regular intelligence submissions, regardless of content or perceived significance.

With full diaspora recruitment now complete, handlers and deputies at every level of the Ministry are reporting an absolute inundation of dispatches, communiqués, updates, briefings, and memos being filed every minute by agents around the world.

Covert submissions are now arriving from sources as varied as two-year-old toddler Cheng Hiu-ying, who reported from inside the toy closet at a daycare in Elk Grove, CA that snack time was delayed by three minutes and portion size had been reduced from the usual 15 Cheez-Its and 100 milliliters of apple juice to just 9 Cheez-Its and 87 milliliters of apple juice, owing to fellow attendee Dylan Thomas’ mother forgetting it was her turn to bring snack. Another report confirms that 102-year-old Zhao Shouming was disappointed that “they were all out of the good dumpling wraps” at Today Asia Market in Cary, NC. Other reports include that Aaron Keyes is the man who regularly orders the Kung Pao Chicken two minutes before last call every Wednesday night at that little place on 4th and Broadway in Philadelphia. Further, Walter Ewing keeps returning to the little pocket park in downtown Pocatello, ID every afternoon because he likes to watch the squirrels on his lunch break.

Accounts like this are coming in at the rate of 937,615 every minute, a rate which exceeds the capacity of the intelligence processing officers by approximately 99.5%. Internal sources confirmed that Ministry servers have crashed, all fax machines are out of paper, the phone lines are down, the vending machine on the sixth floor is completely jammed with item B6, and the China Post has airdropped another 13 tonnes of analog dossiers in the Ministry parking lot just in the past hour.

“The transcripts and eyewitness accounts are coming in so fast, our infrastructure is failing,” Deputy Director General Lei Ka-ming said as he barely managed to dodge another satellite that fell from orbit and crashed through six floors of the State Security building, before ultimately destroying the director’s pork chop bun lunch.

Meanwhile, preparations are already underway for a second phase of the campaign, which will require every overseas agent to wear a 360 degree gopro camera, and narrate the day’s events in real time. State media has praised the campaign as a demonstration of “the unmatched mobilization capacity of the Chinese people in service of national security.”

At press time, Cheng Hiu-ying was confirming intelligence reports that she needed a diaper change.