By QUANSHAN CHENG’E
Justice Correspondent
HONG KONG — Secretary for Security Chris Tang unveiled a bold new strategy to track down and repatriate up to 19 democracy activists hiding overseas under the guise of “foreign asylum.” Frustrated by conventional methods, Hong Kong will now enlist the galaxy’s most feared bounty hunters to bring these fugitives to justice.
“Issuing warrants had no effect on these dangerous agitators. We even offered a 1 million HKD bounty, but still, nothing. As a last resort, we sent letters to their neighbors, highlighting the financial incentive and inviting them to escort these Hong Kong dissidents to the Chinese embassy,” Tang said. “Some in the press are calling that ‘kidnapping,’ but I disagree.”
“Since none of that worked, we are now forced to consider more unconventional means. Effective immediately, we have contracted the services of Boba Fett, Bossk, IG-88, Dengar, Zuckuss, and 4-LOM to hunt down and capture these subversive elements.”
“They are free to use any methods necessary—but we want them alive. No disintegrations.”
While Beijing was able to provide all six bounty hunters with diplomatic visas to enter the United Kingdom, things quickly went awry soon after landing.
Boba Fett, hoping to plan ahead, was told he couldn’t get a carbon-freezing appointment for at least two weeks due to backlogs.
Bossk, mistaken for an escaped reptile from the London Zoo, was tranquilized by zookeepers and relocated to the crocodile exhibit, where he fell in love.
Dengar was mugged outside a Wetherspoons, then spent nine hours waiting for treatment at the NHS, during which he reconsidered his life choices.
IG-88 got lost and wandered into a Rolls-Royce factory, where he accidentally unionized the assembly-line robots before being completely destroyed in a failed uprising.
Zuckuss and 4-LOM got distracted by a dice game in an alley. They kept winning, took over a local gang, and are now believed to control the East London underworld.
Hong Kong Authorities Frustrated
Hong Kong officials expressed disappointment at the operation’s failure. “We believed these contractors had a long history of tracking down Jedi and smuggling spice through Imperial blockades,” a government spokesperson said. “But it seems they weren’t prepared for the complexities of the UK’s urban landscape, or its gambling addiction crisis.”
As of press time, authorities were considering alternative measures—including looking up on Wikipedia whether Dog the Bounty Hunter had retired.
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