RAT — I mean, who could have guessed that cozying up to a ruthless, authoritarian surveillance state would have negative consequences? Anybody’s mistake, really.
OX — What’s a little Cesium-137-laden seafood in exchange for better diplomatic ties? Who’s gonna notice?
TIGER — They didn’t listen when you said you had an idea to improve the local village waterwheel. They didn’t listen when you said you could prevent all the cows from getting sick. Well, they’ll listen now. They’re going to pay.
RABBIT — You sacrificed your friends, your family, every ideal you once held sacred to get where you are now. Well, actually feels pretty good, doesn’t it? And those voices that haunt you at night? They won’t be around forever. Right? Right?
DRAGON — Is it too much to ask to be able to export millions of tons of cheap plastic crap at the expense of clean air and clean water?
HORSE — It’s not like you want to kick the neighbor’s ass, but how many times have you told him how you treat your wife is your business, and nobody else’s?
SNAKE — Why won’t people just do what you tell them? Is it really that hard to listen? You’re in charge! But, no. It’s just endless squabbling and backstabbing. Well, tomorrow will be different. Count on it.
SHEEP — Ah, geez. Are they a real defector, or just another mole? It’s so hard to tell these days. Fuck it, just let him go—how bad could it be?
MONKEY — You got upset at your friend for suggesting that they had a bad feeling about this ferry and didn’t want to go, and now you’re at the bottom of the Bali Strait. The good news is you’re helping feed a fresh school of fingerling wrasses.
ROOSTER — Even after banning his movies and hobbling his career for the past thirty years, Richard Gere is still a pain in your ass. Maybe his next movie will bo—what’s that? His new series is actually successful? Oh, but it’s on Paramount+? So, there’s still a chance it won’t get renewed? What? A second season? Shit…
DOG — Well, the warning that the job offer was “too good to be true” was, in fact, correct, and now you’re a slave in a Burmese scam complex. Try to escape, or climb the ladder and hope the bad karma will wash off?
PIG — Don’t believe the barista when she tells you that they’re out of Matcha Tea, and everything is backordered for two months, ands possibly longer if the heatwaves in Kyoto Prefecture are as bad as last year. She’s totally holding out on you, bro. Get in there, and get your latte. Does she even know how many followers you have on Insta?
Madame Jiang has been the China Daily Show astrologer since time immoral. She practices her art sporadically, as she cannot currently influence local government policy on superstition, selling false advice or imprisonment without trial.
Got a question for Madame Jiang? Contact us at cds@chinadailyshow.net
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