AQUARIUS (1/20-2/10) The issue of whether or not to invest in a smoke alarm for your home will become redundant at around 4am tomorrow morning.
PISCES (2/19-3/20) Your suspicions about your chosen career path will be thrown into sharp focus by a series of crippling UN resolutions against Somalian pirates.
ARIES (3/21-4/19) A tall dark stranger will penetrate your intimate circle this week, but you’ll have imbibed too many sedatives to make a positive ID.
TAURUS (4/20-5/20) A new hobby will lead to a chance meeting, then a scheduled meeting and later uncomfortable sex on your parents’ bed.
GEMINI (5/21-6/20) You may think of yourself as open-minded, but what your brother-in-law suggests to you during a drinking session this month will test your personal boundaries to the limit.
LEO (7/23-8/22) A colleague’s loss is your gain this week, when you bed his ex-wife.
CANCER (6/21-7/22) If you’re planning a long journey this week, avoid the Second Ring Road altogether unless you’re in a fucking tank.
VIRGO (8/23-9/22) Great riches lie in store, so long as you can find a way past security and stuff three thousand dollars worth of electrical goods into some oversized sweatpants without triggering an alarm.
LIBRA (9/23-10/22) The scales finally tip in your favor this week, meaning you can finally tell that personal trainer where he can shove his Swiss ball.
SCORPIO (10/23-11/21) You will develop a startling new way of thinking but your bone-idle nature means you’ll fail to patent it and instead find it quoted back at you by some smirking TV pundit a few weeks later.
SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21) Your decision to encourage a leap of faith distracts you from adequately securing the Pope’s bungee cord.
CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19) Fools rush in where angels fear to tread, as the saying goes, and you’ll be living proof of that when you’re first through the door of a Justin Bieber concert.
Madame Jiang has been the China Daily Show astrologer since time immoral. She casts her runes according to ancient lore, as Madame regrets she cannot currently influence government policy on superstition, false advice or imprisonment without trial.
Got a question for Madame Jiang? Contact us at cds@chinadailyshow.net
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