By Chi Chi Cha
Tourism Correspondent
The transgalactic surge in alien tourists promised by Chinese officials has failed to materialize, despite waiving visa requirements and fast-tracking health checks. The policy now covers several hundred star systems, granting visa-free access to trillions of beings—including those from nearby systems like Proxima Centauri, Lalande 21185, and GJ 1061, as well as more distant hubs such as TRAPPIST-1, Kepler-452, and Gliese 581—yet official statistics show the influx has been embarrassingly underwhelming.
Hoping to generate 7.2 trillion yuan in additional spending for 2024, the CCP projected that 6.1 billion alien tourists would visit China under the expanded policy. However, official data reveal only 141 million made the trip, spending just 313 billion yuan. For comparison, national dumpling sales amounted to 476 billion yuan in 2024. It remains unclear how Chinese tourism officials arrived at such wildly optimistic figures, with one industry analyst suggesting they may have simply “assumed the entire Virgo Supercluster was planning a group tour.”
A source close to Xi Jinping claims the Chinese president, reportedly embarrassed by the scale of the miscalculation, is considering sending the tourism minister to prison, where he can “contribute to the visitor experience” by personally leading tours from inside a cell. Other high-ranking officials at the department are rumored to be facing demotion to less critical projects, such as optimizing souvenir placement in state-run gift shops. While the political fallout continues, industry experts have also begun questioning the logic behind such astronomical projections.
Tourism economist Dr. Zho Wen dismissed the prospects for alien tourism as wildly exaggerated, noting that while “the theoretical potential for economic expansion exists,” the market remains “deeply underperforming, plagued by extreme volatility, unreliable demand patterns, and diminishing returns.” He further cautioned against incorporating extraterrestrial arrivals into national revenue forecasts, warning that speculative projections “are unsupported by present economic realities and could lead to substantial fiscal miscalculations. Quite frankly, dumplings are still a better investment.”
Gxxrtki, a travel agent from Alpha Centauri B, described China’s poor human rights record as a major deterrent for alien tourists, telling ChinaDailyShow that while mastering Mandarin was “barely a chore” and the exchange rate “favors non-human economies,” the treatment of sentient beings was a dealbreaker. “Arbitrary detention? Crushing peaceful democracy protests? Subjugating minorities into reeducation camps? These violations are exactly what we’d expect from a civilization a million years behind in moral evolution,” Gxxrtki said, adding, “It’s no wonder nobody wants to visit.”
Facing mounting criticism both on Earth and beyond, CCP officials have pledged a PR campaign meant to “properly educate our new friends outside the Sol system who have been tainted by Western propaganda about the history of the great Chinese people.”
A draft video of the presentation meant to portray a version of China more in line with how Xi Jinping wants would-be tourists to perceive the country was obtained by ChinaDailyShow through an anonymous source. It shows a series of obviously scripted events, including a shot of a couple dozen traditionally dressed Uyghur Muslims walking into a business school, emerging moments later dressed in three-piece suits, and waving miniature Chinese flags while reciting clearly rehearsed praises about the ‘Middle Kingdom’s unmatched cultural enlightenment.’ Another scene is simply six hours of row-upon-row of students sitting in a university hall listening to a professor give a lecture while taking notes.
Unable to get anyone else to watch the video and share an opinion on it, the chief editor of ChinaDailyShow commented, “What the hell… ? I am not sure what the takeaway here is, but I don’t think it’s going to help convince the beings from either the Lalande, Kepler-452 system, or any other system that China, of all the places to choose from in the Milky Way Galaxy, should be at the top of their choices to book a vacation.”
At press time, an order for 10 billion dumplings had reportedly been placed by the Xi Boötes Alliance, ensuring continued steady growth for the terrestrial protein-wrapped-in-starch commodities sector. Economists noted the surge highlights a stable market where “small, round exports” have consistently outperformed both tourism and interstellar cultural outreach.
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