Culture Ministry Proposes Full Remake of The Phantom Menace to “Show Proper Portrayal of Trade Disputes.”
By HAI SHANG SHILI
South China Seas Correspondent
SCARBOROUGH SHOAL — In a rare display of maritime cooperation, the Chinese People’s Liberation Army Navy (PLAN), the Chinese Coast Guard (CCG), and the Philippines Coast Guard (PCG) joined forces this week to stage a live-action remake of the Star Destroyer collision scene from The Empire Strikes Back.
According to Admiral Zhou Minghai of the PLAN, the idea was hatched after a late-night viewing of the 1980 sci-fi classic with CCG Captain Liu Kaizhong. “We were drinking baijiu, and when Solo dodged between those destroyers, Liu says, ‘We could totally do that.’ I said, ‘Bet,’ and immediately sent a message over WeChat to my contact in the Filipino navy.”
The three services then spent an afternoon assigning roles. Captain Jomark Angue of the BRP Suluan would “obviously be” Han Solo, with his second-in-command Miguel Villarica as Chewbacca and executive officer Lieutenant Janelle Santaromana as Princess Leia. “Unfortunately, nobody wanted to be C-3PO,” Zhou admitted. “We eventually gave it to a supply officer who already complained a lot. I volunteered to be Captain Needa.”
With the cast set, the PLAN destroyer CNS Lanzhou and the CCG vessel 3104 pursued the Suluan through a tight channel off Scarborough Shoal before intentionally colliding in what Zhou called “peak practical effects.”
“It was perfect — klaxons blaring, severe exterior hull damage, screaming crew being thrown against bulkheads and crashing into command consoles—it felt like we were really there filming our own Chinese Star Wars,” Zhou said proudly. “Everyone had their phones out livestreaming to Weibo. We were trending before we even began taking on water.”
Zhou is currently speaking from the brig of the PLAN flagship CNS Fujian, where he awaits what military sources describe as “an extremely negative performance review” for causing an estimated ¥80 million in damage to the CNS Lanzhou, a Type-052D guided-missile destroyer. “My lawyer says I’m facing the death penalty, but I’m sure that’ll change once Xi watches Empire and sees how close we came to copying the original,” Zhou said nodding his head confidently. “I’m sure this will blow over. Besides, we’re almost at a billion views on YouTube. And no matter what happens, they can’t take that away from me.”
At press time, President Xi Jinping was reportedly disappointed to learn he did not possess Darth Vader’s ability to telekinetically strangle Zhou from across the South China Sea.
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