By MI RI
Holiday Correspondent
Chinese President Xi Jinping is reportedly seeing red—literally. According to an unusual police report filed this week, Xi claims a ‘fat man in a red and white suit’ has been stalking him through the hallways of Zhongnanhai. The alleged intruder, according to the report obtained by China Daily Show, jingles a bell, yells “Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!” at random intervals, and leaves small bows and candy canes in places where Xi insists they were not before.
The president is said to have personally delivered his complaint to the local police station, demanding immediate action. “He’s mocking me,” Xi reportedly fumed. “This is Western soft power at its most insidious. I won’t have my people worshipping some capitalist icon when they should be focused on our glorious traditions of struggle and collectivism.”
However, investigations so far have failed to confirm the presence of any unauthorized individuals in Zhongnanhai. “We have reviewed all available surveillance footage and found nothing unusual,” a spokesperson for the compound’s security team assured reporters. “The president’s concerns are being taken seriously, but as of now, there is no evidence of an intruder.”
When asked about the festive items allegedly left behind, the spokesperson declined to comment but noted that “decorative objects do not constitute a breach of national security.”
Meanwhile, Xi’s inner circle is said to be increasingly alarmed by his insistence that Santa Claus himself is targeting him in a personal “psychological warfare” campaign. One aide, speaking anonymously, admitted, “Nobody else has seen this man, but the president is convinced he’s there. Just yesterday, he thought he saw a flash of red outside his window and shouted, ‘There! He’s riding a sleigh now!’”
Xi’s fears appear to go beyond simple paranoia. Sources close to the president claim he has begun holding late-night strategy meetings to counteract what he describes as Santa’s growing “propaganda war.” In one session, Xi reportedly warned senior officials that Santa’s ability to distribute gifts with “unnatural speed and precision” threatens to outshine China’s Belt and Road Initiative in global influence.
“Santa represents everything the West wants us to embrace: frivolity, consumerism, and unregulated joy,” Xi reportedly declared. “He’s gaining traction in the hearts of Chinese citizens, and we must act decisively before it’s too late.”
As Christmas decorations reappear in commercial centers, many Chinese citizens have been openly delighted by the festive displays, with social media buzzing about the best Christmas markets and trees. However, government-organized fairs celebrating traditional Communist values have reportedly failed to draw significant crowds, leaving party officials scrambling to attract attendees. “People just don’t seem excited about recreating the Long March in papier-mâché,” one organizer confessed.
But Xi’s paranoia has taken a darker turn. According to insiders, he has started claiming that Santa is deliberately teasing him. The president has reported hearing faint jingles and a deep, echoing “Ho, ho, ho” in the dead of night. Candy canes have been found on his desk, arranged to spell cryptic messages like “Merry Xi-mas.”
In a particularly chilling incident, Xi reportedly awoke to find his room filled with a faint, cloying scent of peppermint. On his desk lay a crimson envelope, sealed with wax in the shape of a jolly face. Inside, the note read: “You’re on the Naughty List.” The handwriting, unnervingly precise, seemed to shimmer faintly under the light. Aides claim Xi was visibly shaken, insisting he’d heard the sound of distant sleigh bells moments before. Since then, he’s started demanding round-the-clock inspections of his quarters and referring to shadowy figures he believes he’s seen flitting past windows. “He’s even banned anyone from wearing red in his presence,” an official revealed. “The paranoia is intensifying.”
Taking matters into his own hands, Xi has drafted orders for the Chinese People’s Liberation Army to launch an expedition to the Arctic. The mission: locate Santa’s workshop, disrupt the elves’ gift-making operations, and seize “The List,” which Xi believes could be a treasure trove of data on the world’s children. Sources suggest Xi envisions integrating Santa’s data into the country’s existing social credit system, potentially categorizing citizens globally as “naughty” or “nice” for strategic leverage. “This could redefine our capabilities in predictive analytics,” Xi reportedly told his advisors. “If Santa is collecting behavioral data, it’s imperative we harness it first. Imagine the insights into consumption patterns, moral tendencies, even global loyalty metrics.” Xi underscored the urgency of obtaining “The List,” declaring, “The future of our surveillance state depends on it.”
News of the PLA’s impending Arctic mission has raised eyebrows internationally. A spokesperson for NORAD, which traditionally tracks Santa’s sleigh on Christmas Eve, stated that they are in communication with all personnel cleared to operate in the airspace and stand ready to provide assistance if necessary. “Santa’s operations remain unparalleled, and we stand ready to ensure his mission’s success.”
For his part, Santa issued a rare public interview, assuring the world that he is not intimidated. “I was just on the phone with Raytheon,” he said, adjusting the sidearm holstered on his hip, “They were helping fine-tune the targeting systems for the AGM-176 Griffin missiles. The sleigh is now equipped with precision capabilities, and we’re ready to handle any turbulence this holiday season.”
At press time, sources close to President Xi confirmed he was just jealous of Santa because the jolly old elf had mastered everything Xi aspired to: a red suit that commands respect, a global following, and a flawless system of distribution where no one gets left out. “Santa’s practically the poster boy for collectivism—and people actually like him,” one aide muttered before being promptly reassigned as Ambassador to the Morlocks.
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