By OH LI WON SHOU
Education Correspondent
Beijing – In a jaw-dropping revelation, Chinese President Xi Jinping declared that the worldwide network of Confucius Institutes is merely Phase One in a grander project: “transgalactic repression.”
“Our aim isn’t just to influence what people see, hear, and think across Earth,” Xi announced, sporting a serene, almost celestial smile. “It’s to ensure that in every corner of the Milky Way—and beyond—the ideas of the Chinese Communist Party resonate like the voice of the cosmos itself.”
For years, Confucius Institutes—cultural centers meant to foster Chinese language and culture—have prompted accusations of being covert hubs for spreading CCP ideology and silencing debate on issues sensitive to Beijing. Critics raised concerns about censorship, noting that topics like Tibet, the Tiananmen Square Massacre, and Taiwan independence tend to mysteriously vanish from lesson plans. But until today, these suspicions had not extended to… well, the entire universe.
“It’s time to put the rumors to rest,” Xi continued, while overhead, a holographic projection of the Andromeda Galaxy spiraled majestically. “Our mission was never confined to Earth’s petty political borders. No, our vision is galactic. Mercury, Venus, even the distant dwarf planet of Pluto—wherever there is life, we want them reading our version of history.”
At this, Vice Premier Liu Yandong stepped forward with further clarification. “Our dream doesn’t end with a Confucius Institute in every earthly university, oh no,” she declared. “We’re training intergalactic cadres who’ll establish Confucius Outposts on Mars, establish a Mandarin major on Saturn’s largest moon, and offer extracurricular Tai Chi on the asteroids. All shall bask in the harmonious worldview of the Party.”
Liu went on to detail plans for the “Outer Quadrant Exchange Program,” designed to bring enlightenment (and Cantonese calligraphy lessons) to galaxies as far-flung as Triangulum and Canis Major Overdensity.
Once they conquer our solar system, Beijing plans to launch the “Greater Galactic Belt and Road Initiative,” ensuring that Mandarin is the lingua franca not just on Earth but throughout every habitable—and even semi-habitable—celestial body.
Xi closed the briefing with a calm but ominous message: “It’s no longer enough to repress dissent here on Earth. In the vast expanse of space, we will build a unified ideology that spans stars, nebulae, and black holes. No thought shall escape our reach.”
As the press conference ended, China’s foreign ministry issued a short follow-up: “We categorically deny any allegations of interplanetary manipulation. We are merely dedicated to advancing peaceful Confucius Institutes… resistance is simply not harmonious.”
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