“It’s got everything—lava, bones, a guy screaming on a mountain,” Trump says of new Trump Tower Eternia project
By GONGJI XUEPAI
Economics Correspondent
WASHINGTON, D.C. (China Daily Show) — Countering criticism that his administration had failed to secure major international agreements, President Trump on Tuesday announced a sweeping set of trade deals with foreign powers spanning multiple dimensions, including arms exports, real estate development, and prisoner relocation. “Frankly, this is too big not to talk about—everybody said keep it a secret,” Trump told reporters. “I said—no, the people, the wonderful people, they want to know, they need to know about my deals.”
Perhaps the most controversial component is a prisoner-relocation agreement with Genosha, governed by Cameron Hodge. According to President Trump, the United States will deport “some of the worst criminals we’ve got—the rapists, the murderers, and frankly, the kind of people who would steal your Buick,” to the isolated island nation. Genosha is internationally recognized for its constant human rights violations, and strict detention policies.
“They’ve got these collars—very high-tech, very advanced,” Trump said. “It’s not prison, it’s like… it’s very controlled. Safe. Very sunny—they say it’s by the equator. A lot of these people—very dangerous people—they’re gonna love it. I mean, it’s practically vacation, am I right? Wolverine’s down there, and Archangel—he’s got these big wings, have you seen these? But they don’t work when he’s got the collar on, and the collar’s always on down there. The little Asian girl, too—nobody remembers her name. But she’s down there too. They’re begging to come home, so we’re sending more.”
Defense agreements include a landmark weapons deal with Dimension X, headed by the brain-like dictator Krang. Secretary of State Marco Rubio detailed the arrangement, noting that the United States will export the Raytheon AGM-154 Joint Standoff Weapon, SIG Sauer MCX Virtus assault rifles, and Northrop Grumman orbital power platforms. “Krang’s fantastic. You ever see him? He’s a brain. He’s literally a brain. I love brains. He is a brain and I have a brain—it’s almost a match made in heaven, folks. His brain? Almost as big as mine, not quite, but close. People talk about it.”
Third Earth, under the immortal sorcerer Mumm-Ra, will receive hundreds of General Dynamics Stryker armored vehicles and Boeing AH-64 Apache helicopters. “They’ve promised they’ll use them responsibly, against the Thundercats or whoever,” Rubio clarified. President Trump added that Mumm-Ra had also committed to assisting in urban renewal efforts, particularly in Baltimore, calling the city “a disaster” that Mumm-Ra could help fix. “Very old, very wise, like Joe Biden—but also a sorcerer, you don’t see that very often anymore,” Trump said of Mumm-Ra. “Very good skin, too, considering.”
In Eternia, U.S. Trade Envoy Skeletor confirmed approval for a Trump Tower luxury development beside his headquarters at Snake Mountain. “People don’t understand how hot this market is—literally. It’s lava. The views are unbelievable. You’ve got the bones, the fog, the lightning, the guy who screams all the time—I think his name’s Beast Man. Very theatrical. We’re going to have tremendous suites, top-tier villain amenities. You want a war room? You got a war room. And we’re putting my name on the volcano. They said no at first, but Skeletor gets it. He told his minions, ‘Trump, put it everywhere.’
“You know, not everybody was happy about the deal. He-Man tried to block it—couldn’t do it. Total disaster. Weak guy, terrible leader. Very good-looking though. Very strong. You’d think he’d be tough, but he’s not. Skeletor—now he’s tough. But I like He-Man too, he’s a good friend. The best.”
Economically, Duckburg’s treasury—controlled by billionaire Scrooge McDuck—will diversify its gold-based economy into TrumpCoin™, a cryptocurrency backed directly by the president’s personal guarantees. Trump assured investors that TrumpCoin™ is “even better than real gold, maybe better than actual money,” adding, “it’s literally backed by my name, which means quality.”
The administration also announced a new import agreement with the prehistoric economy of Bedrock. Known for its unconventional dinosaur-powered infrastructure, Bedrock will provide rare-earth minerals to the United States for the first time. Secretary Rubio emphasized the “environmentally sustainable” extraction methods, noting that the entire process is “fossil-free, even though it’s all fossils.” President Trump praised the initiative: “They mine with dinosaurs, folks. No pollution, no machines. It’s totally green, the green people should love it—but they won’t. And Fred Flintstone—great guy. I know his wife, Wilma. Beautiful woman, I dated her. A long time ago, although not so long. She should call me. No, really. Women love rocks—they call them ‘diamonds’, a little-known word, but it’s true.”
A cultural agreement with Equestria will open the pony-led kingdom to American beauty exports. According to U.S. trade officials, Equestria will import large quantities of TiffanyTrump™ brand glitter bombs and FDA-approved purity tests, primarily for use in middle-school-age grooming programs and monthly fertility celebrations. “The ponies are very into this stuff,” Trump said. “They love glitter, they love purity. They’re very wholesome. We’re sending them the best—TiffanyTrump™ products. Not really as good as whatever Ivanka is up to—sorry, Tiffany, but you know it’s true. Very different people. But Tiffany, pretty good.”
Finally, Trump revealed an ambitious entertainment deal with Townsville, facilitated by Legendary Entertainment, producers of the Monarch cinematic universe. Townsville will supply kaiju creatures for use in Jurassic Park-style theme parks and more realistic filmmaking. “They’re going to make movies, like Jurassic Park, but also Disney theme parks, but better. Safe, but also dangerous because they’re monsters, you know? Mothra, am I right? Beautiful creature, she’s female, loves Trump. Very dangerous. She voted Trump. Huge supporter. Kaiju for Trump, it’s a thing. We’ll be safe. Nobody knows more about monsters than me.”
At press time, reports confirmed that Trump was balking at being encouraged to sign a trade deal with the European Union. “Never heard of it, to be honest. Sounds fake to me,” he said.
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