Mirror Universe Scientists’ Plan To Clone Kim Jong Un Go Awry

BEIJING — A scheme by scientists from United Korea in the Mirror Universe to clone Kim Jong Un is on the brink of failure after their hired operatives again came up empty-handed, thwarted by North Korean security agents who scrubbed every surface the leader touched during his meeting with Vladimir Putin.

“We’ve shadowed Kim Jong Un for years, hoping he might shed a stray hair, a flake of skin, even a ragged hangnail we could use to restore our Dear Leader,” said Mirror Universe geneticist Baek Sung-hee, head of the research team.

North Korean security services are reportedly well aware that rival agents are desperate to obtain the dictator’s genetic residue, and have tightened sanitization to an obsessive degree—wiping down furniture, collecting drinking glasses, and even sealing waste to prevent so much as a fingerprint from escaping. “We know there are those who dream of stealing the Leader’s essence,” said General Ri Chol, Kim’s head of security. “It is our duty to preserve the purity of his evil, intact and undiluted.”

The scientists insist they hail from the “original timeline”—a reality where North and South Korea form a single nation known as United Korea. “Our country leads the world in science, enjoys unmatched prosperity, and our universities attract the finest minds. It’s paradise,” Baek explained. “Yours is the copy, the distorted spin-off.” According to them, this utopia rests entirely on the Kim dynasty. “In our world, the Kims are celebrated for ending climate change and encouraging everyone to enjoy the outdoors. Poverty vanished long ago, and everyone gets ice cream before bed, if they want it. By comparison, your version of Kim is frankly disappointing.”

Their own Kim, they explained, perished in a volcanic eruption while conducting a sooty tern survey on Baker Island Atoll in the central Pacific. “He was swallowed whole by fire. Not a single cell survived. We came here to gather enough genetic material to restore him, so he can continue improving lives back home.”

Pressed again on why he considered this universe the aberration, Baek gestured broadly. “Look around you. Xi, Putin, Kim, Trump—every one of them monstrous. Haven’t you realized? It’s always the evil versions that turn out to be the real Mirror Universe.” Asked for comment, Donald Trump bristled. “Impossible. I’m the original Trump. The other one’s fake, everybody knows it. Worst copy ever. Many people are saying it.”