Hi, everyone. I’m Mark Zuckerburg, founder of Facebook. Hope you’re enjoying the great website – but did you know there are over a billion people in the world without any access to their friends’ status updates, walls or links? I’m talking about China. But we’re currently working with the relevant authorities to fix that, and along the way I’ve picked up a few little tricks and tips about doing business in the Middle Kingdom.
It’s not just about leaving chopsticks in your rice the right way, or avoiding the number ‘4’ – it’s about understanding their culture and strange little ways. Here are some key lessons from my forthcoming book How To Do Business in China: The Right Way
- Learn their language! They find it adorable
- Marry someone, preferably Chinese (I got this one from an older friend in traditional media)
- Smile a lot
- Asked if pets can have their own Facebook accounts, explain it’s against the terms and conditions
- Asked if dissidents can have their own Facebook accounts, explain it’s against the terms and conditions
- Don’t take a position on anything
- Except when kow-towing
- Read China’s state media and official publications. They can teach us so much
- I often complain bitterly about the West’s obsession with “privacy” but the Chinese get it – it’s a bourgeois habit. Privacy, I mean. Not complaining
- Announce plans to have “Facebook Universities” partnering with Confucius Institutes, or something
- Feel free to talk about the weather, but don’t mention Arab Springs
- Openly curse Twitter, Wikipedia and Adult FriendFinder whenever possible
- Praise the greatness of their Great Wall (they can never hear that enough!)
- Be sure to liven up dull PowerPoint presentations with a Chinese proverb. “Let he who tied the bell on the tiger take it off,” I recently concluded a presentation in Beijing, adding: “Here’s my bell. Take it.”
Got a tip? Contact us at cds@chinadailyshow.net
‘Like’ this story by following @chinadailyshow On Twitter