October 12
Morning
Well, it’s taken a while — again! Some of my rivals still don’t understand that I’m unique, a man of destiny with special thoughts worth reading for hours on end, every day.
It’s something for them to ponder while I agonize over which shade of suit to wear.
I decide to go with Vader Black after my new assistant, Mei Di, brings over the latest ‘Pew Poll’ results from Europe and Asia: Seems I’m the most beloved leader in the world! Yet certain elders in our beloved Party still don’t get it.
Well, today I overheard a new-language word from our Emissary to the Small Island of Great Britain: ‘Wan Ke.’ Hao! A title clearly strong, powerful, and confident, like myself.
Given time — and all the Chinese people’s support, of course — I suspect the Small Island’s language may become popular in the region I call Franco-Spain.
Afternoon
This afternoon, I was told the Number One most compulsory film in America cinema is The Battle of Lake Whatsitsname.
As I made clear to my last previous (doubtful) personal assistant, He Xie, “a peaceful transition of humanity’s destiny from the Western hegemon to its rightful predecessor in the East is the classic Hollywood.”
October 14
Morning
As I’ve said before, even a journey of a thousand miles must begin with Air China. Why does the most powerful man in China still have to travel economy plus? Me. I’m talking about me.
Surely we have the technology to make Scare Force One? We have an unrivalled semiconductor industry, created through our world-beating domestic “floppy disk” N64 chip tech. We invented Sonic and Mario, after all.
Yet I must always choose between the “spicy or chicken” on every flight. They even make me pay for my baijiu miniatures. These are essential to my work.
Enjoying another sip of the fiery liquid, I am reminded of how symbolic this sorghum spirit is of New China’s standing in the world.
Who in the West and Global South doesn’t respect, admire, and constantly enjoy this legendary jet fuel?
Afternoon
After a day spent staring at potatoes, and pretending to understand someone’s Shaanxi accent while talking about pig anuses (always with the pig anuses in Shaanxi), I jet back to Zhongnanhai in time for CCTV’s 9pm showing of Jaws: The Revenge — a masterpiece of dramatic tension, and arguably the most eloquent argument for shark’s fin soup I’ve eve.
October 15
There’s a palpable sense of tension on the streets of Beijing. My latest PA, Tian Di, assures me it’s excitement. That smell of burning rubber?
“The scent of romance,” says Tian Di. “When I was a teenager, I used to take my sweetheart to the local tyre fire and —”
I cut him off with a glare, then switch gears.
“Do you think I’m a dictator?” I ask sweetly.
“You need me to take dictation?” Di responds smoothly.
Good boy. He might last the month; the scars seem to be healing nicely.
October 16
Morning
My CIA handler from back home in Iowa calls to wish me luck. While I do sometimes regret allowing myself to be recruited for a year’s supply of mung beans (I should have asked for at least ten), I have cleverly worked against the Western hegemonists by ignoring all their suggestions: to open China’s markets, liberalize its media, and pursue a more progressive political agenda.
Instead, I did the complete reverse. Well, those geniuses in Langley won’t be expecting that! Think I can safely skip this afternoon’s agenda of furtive meetings, while I “work” on my “work reports.”
Will Xi be appointed Party Chairman? Will Chen Min’er get on the ‘Buro? What will happen to Wang Yi? Or Wang Yang? Tune in next week for the next exclusive instalment of Xi Jinping’s ‘Big Party Congress’
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