AQUARIUS (1/20-2/10) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.
PISCES (2/19-3/20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI, CIA or PSB. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting what little power you have. You lack confidence and are generally a dipshit.
ARIES (3/21-4/19) You are the pioneer type and think most people are beneath you. You are quick-tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a prick.
TAURUS (4/20-5/20) You are practical, persistent and have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are nothing but a goddamn Communist.
GEMINI (5/21-6/20) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
LEO (7/23-8/22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers, and spend most of their time kissing mirrors. Most Leos are bullies.
CANCER (6/21-7/22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won’t be worth a shit. Almost everyone in prison is a Cancer.
VIRGO (8/23-9/22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. This shit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional, and often fall asleep during sex. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
LIBRA (9/23-10/22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If your male, you are probably gay. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are sluts. All Libras die of venereal disease.
SCORPIO (10/23-11/21) The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a complete son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered and rightfully so.
SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck because you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. Nixon was a Sagittarius. You are not worth the time of day.
CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.
Madame Jiang has been the China Daily Show astrologer since time immoral. She practices her art sporadically as she cannot currently influence local government policy on superstition, selling false advice or imprisonment without trial.
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