CCP Orders Defense Contractors to Build Death Star

The Root of the Problem

The CCP faces what it calls a “society-level” threat to domestic order: a generation of disillusioned youths engaging in “lying flat,” a dangerous trend where individuals audaciously opt out of the relentless grind of modern life. “They’re choosing rest over endless overtime,” Chen noted sadly.

Adding to this crisis are the so-called “Four Lacks and Five Frustrations,” which refer to individuals lacking a spouse, children, stable employment, and assets, or grappling with failed investments, relationship conflicts, and mental health challenges. Official reports blame these individuals for recent violent incidents, including mass stabbings and vehicular attacks that have left dozens dead. “These people are hopeless, isolated, and entirely untethered to society—our surveillance Death Star will find and correct them before they lash out,” Chen continued. “People need to understand that if they choose to be lonely, frustrated, and poor, they must be orderly about it.”

A Death Star With Chinese Characteristics

For CCP officials, the solution lies in technology. They argue that tighter surveillance and data analysis will allow the Party to prevent unrest before it starts. The Death Star, they claim, will serve as the ultimate tool for identifying and neutralizing potential threats. Unlike its cinematic predecessor, which destroyed planets, this version will focus on “ideological correction” through comprehensive data collection and analysis.

“This is a Death Star with Chinese characteristics,” Chen explained. “It will project unity, prosperity, and social harmony—not superlasers, like a Western one would. This station is now the ultimate power in China. We will use it in a firm, yet harmonious manner.”

A Budget for Everything Except Solutions

Critics argue that the CCP’s approach to governance involves spending vast sums on anything that avoids addressing actual societal issues. While citizens struggle with unaffordable housing and rising unemployment, the Party has poured resources into a 900-trillion-ton space station designed to monitor citizens who are already lying flat.

“It’s not that they lack the money to fix these problems,” said one economist. “It’s that fixing problems would require acknowledging them first.” Instead, critics have dubbed the initiative a “galactic deflection strategy,” redirecting resources toward orbiting technology while housing petitions go unanswered.

Even citizens seem resigned to the absurdity. “At this point, they’d build a karaoke moon base if they thought it would distract us,” joked one netizen. “But ask for help with rent, and suddenly there’s no budget.”

The Critics Strike Back

Despite the CCP’s confidence in their Death Star, critics have questioned its purpose and effectiveness. “Spending 6,000 quadrillion yuan to monitor naps doesn’t scream ‘effective governance,’” said one commentator, whose account has since been flagged for “disharmonious thoughts.”

Iowa University scholar Wang Qun delivered the sharpest critique: “The tighter they strengthen their grip, the more TikTok users will slip through their fingers.” Wang went on to mock the project as the ultimate symbol of overreach, saying, “Go ahead, start building your Death Star. It’s doomed to fail, and it might even hasten the collapse of your government. Honestly, I’d love to see it.”