Beijing Tells Seoul To Chill On North Korea’s Nuclear Programme

SHANGHAI — During recent diplomatic discussions between China and South Korea over North Korea’s nuclear programme, sources say Chinese President Xi Jinping told South Korea’s president Lee Jae Myung to “chill the fuck out, bro,” adding that he was “totally working on that nuclear shit you keep bugging me about.”

The high-level talks between the two Pacific Asian countries began on a promising note when both leaders met in the conference room of the presidential suite at the Bulgari Hotel Shanghai, first greeting each other with a mutually respectful bow, followed immediately by a ritual chest-bump and a super-rad — and entirely unscheduled — dual fist-bump.

According to anonymous sources on both sides, after “totally demolishing” several plates of beluga caviar together, the two leaders sprawled on the couch, talking mad shit about how their wives are always nagging them, before reluctantly agreeing to “get down to business about the nuclear stuff.”

Things reportedly turned sour after Lee complained that his people felt threatened by “the madman in the north with his finger on the button,” asking Xi, “When are you going to take care of that bullshit?”

Xi is said to have replied, “Bro, you can’t seriously be asking me to solve this fucking situation quickly. My boy [Kim] is mad sensitive about his nukes.”

Lee then demanded a break, with talks resuming half an hour later after what aides described as a “special massage.”

Speaking to reporters afterward, Lee said he had been hasty with his words. “I know Xi is probably doing everything he can, but shit, yo — my peeps need tangible results. I gotta bring something home from this sit-down. You know, something mad legit. You feel me?”

Xi was later overheard referring to Lee as a “total fucking pussy” for not “solving his own hazards.”

At press time, Lee was rumored to be psyching himself up to jump Xi the next time he went to the bathroom.