Value of Face Plummets Across Mainland China

BEIJING — The value of face (面子) (600FCE.SS) has collapsed across China in a stunning reversal of millennia of steady gains, wiping out ancestral investments in just weeks. “My family has been in the face market since 2697 BCE, when my grandfather personally bought shares from the Yellow Emperor himself,” said Zhong Yuxian, who owns a liquor store, and was once a prominent member of his community. Now, as the Beijing government pushes austerity and bans lavish spending on dining and entertainment, everyone is feeling the pinch of tight-fisted consumers and dignity has become worthless collateral. “Nobody pays me to save face anymore,” Zhong sighed. “A stoic nod and polite bow used to suffice. Now I’m on the sidewalk acting like a waving inflatable tube man advertising three-for-one Johnnie Walker Blue Label shots like a fool. So much for 5,000 years of Chinese civilization,” he said, wondering how much more humiliation the market downturn would cost him. Analysts agreed the asset had entered a crisis. “Face has always been the safest store of value since jade,” said Liang Zemin of Guotai Junan Cultural Assets Research, “but these days, even coal futures look more stable.” At press time, Beijing regulators vowed to stabilize the market by issuing a nationwide reminder that shame, however abundant, is not tradable on the open exchange.