WHO downgrades Chinese culture to “cult,” issues warning

Excerpts from the report include:

Hypnosis
Hypnotic techniques in Chinese classrooms starting as early as age five, resulting in a high state of suggestibility, often thinly disguised as ‘relaxation’ or ‘meditation.’ Repetitive music, usually around 60 beats per minute, most commonly employed during ‘study sessions’ with the teacher explaining that the music helps students relax and concentrate. Special lighting, usually fluorescent, as they are not too dim, nor too harsh, help contribute to the room’s feel and mood. Reduced room temperature, usually a little cooler than normal, keeps unknowing subjects relaxed, and close to a state of falling asleep.

Peer or Group Pressure
Pressure from peers and family members replaces inner doubts and resistance to new ideas with the need to belong, often destroying the sense of individual identity altogether, or eschewing ‘individuality’ itself as a human evil. Excessive bonding with school classmates and work colleagues is thus heavily promoted.

Rejection of Old Values
The Cultural Revolution, China’s paramount cult event, accelerated acceptance of the new cult lifestyle by denouncing former beliefs and values.

Blind Obedience
Demanding acceptance through complex lectures on incomprehensible subjects, rejecting ‘logic’ as a ‘foreign construct’ or overly obtuse method for obtaining truth without all the facts.

Meta-communication
Subliminal communication through the stressing of certain key words or phrases (e.g. ‘harmony,’ ‘stability,’ ‘Chinese characteristics’) amid long, confusing lectures so as to stifle private contemplation.

Disinhibition
Child-like propaganda films or multimedia, such as those seen in theaters or subway systems, which orchestrate child-like obedience and unquestioning allegiance of authority. Complex issues are usually reduced to a matter of ‘feelings,’ providing subjects with a ready acid test of the rightness or wrongness of an issue based on a sudden curvature of the lips.

Uncompromising Rules
Inducing regression by soliciting agreement to seemingly simple rules, such as the proper time for a meal or bathroom break, or the proper use and types of medication.

Usurpation of Familial Language
Creating intense emotional longing for leaders or geopolitical boundaries by applying familial terms such as ‘Grandpa Wen’s’ insistence that ‘little brother Taiwan’ has wandered astray and requires the protection of the ‘Motherland.’

Sleep Deprivation
Creating disorientation and vulnerability through prolonged mental and physical activity in place of adequate rest and sleep, such as excessive after-school homework, weekend work requirements, team building exercises and mandatory attendance at late-night KTV sessions.

Chanting or Singing
Eliminating non-cult ideas through group repetition of mind-narrowing chants, phrases and memetically calculated pop songs.

Finger Pointing
Creating a false sense of righteousness by pointing out the shortcomings of failed peers (“Foucault’s panopticon”) and the outside world (“Goering’s gambit”).

Us vs. Them Mentality
Creating the false illusion of unity by emphasizing references to the Chinese as ‘we’ and non-Chinese as ‘you.’

Information Control
Inducing a loss of reality by discouraging the asking of questions, restricting access to opposing information and limiting the amount of time teens may spend at internet cafes.

Ambiguous Systems of Reward/Punishment
Maintaining emotional vulnerability and mental confusion by alternately rewarding and punishing different subjects for the very same action, usually limited to class and status distinctions, but sometimes shaken up for the hell of it.

Dietary Regulations
Creating increased susceptibility to emotional arousal by depriving the nervous system of necessary nutrients, particularly dairy products, through the use of addictive, often pepper- and MSG-based, diets.

Psychological Games
Inducing paranoia and suspicion by introducing childhood games with obscure rules that rely on chance, bluffing and fast, hypnotic finger movements and/or the loud, continuous shaking of dice.

Fear
Maintaining loyalty and obedience to the group and its leadership by threatening life or limb for the slightest negative deed, tweet or thought.

Repetition
Covering the same subject over and over again, usually by rote repetition or closed-circuit television networks, until the material is known by heart and even viewed by the subject as his or her own legitimate opinion.

Embassies responded immediately by posting travel warnings of their own, with some offering free psychological counseling to embassy workers and expatriates who have stayed in China “for a period of 6 months or longer.”

“We’ve even seen some tragic cases of expats drinking the tea and returning to their home countries forever changed,” Wester told China Daily Show, referencing the recent high-profile case of Geoff Berman, 42, of Cleveland, Ohio. “They spout the slogans, sing the songs and are forever neurologically unwilling to see more than one side of, say, the Tibet dilemma, or the origin of the noodle.”

In response to the report, various “cult watch” organizations and Christian groups around the world have started including China on their list of suspected cult organizations. Germany, meanwhile, has issued a ban against Chinese people and Sino-phernalia.

“China is not a country or culture,” said German Foreign Ministry Spokesman Helmut Krause in a strongly worded press release that echoes that nation’s stance against Scientology, “but a commercial enterprise with a history of taking advantage of vulnerable individuals, and an extreme dislike of any criticism, whose totalitarian structure and methods may pose a risk to Germany’s democratic society.”

U.S. pastor Terry Jones is not surprised. “Leave it to the communists, Muslims and homosexuals to beat you over the head with their never-ending propaganda,” Jones told China Daily Show in a telephone interview, shortly before staging a planned event outside a Tallahassee mosque.

Chinese spokeswoman, Jiang Yu, has issued a stern warning to the UN team responsible for the report. “It is no surprise that the Western imperialists, bent on hurting the feelings of the Chinese people, would manufacture such false reports with their ‘psycho logic’ and close-minded view of the world,” said Jiang. “The Chinese people will not be swayed by Western threats to the stability or territorial integrity of their Motherland.”

Elaine “Bingbing” Baines, 22, a Harvard political science major and Ph.D. candidate on a semester exchange program at Beijing Normal University, admits to feeling emotionally unsettled by the report as well.

“Whenever I see you Westerners engaging in these sorts of political attacks against Mother China, I can’t help but cry,” pouted Baines in Chinese over a spicy bowl of street-side dandan mian. “I’d like to see your so-called ‘democracy’ create the same unity of harmony in a land with over a billion people and 56 ethnic darlings. You don’t understand the deep historical complexity of the issues at which you so easily point fingers.”