Xi Assures Iowan Friends They’ll Avoid Purges In China’s Future U.S. Annexation

BEIJING — As China continues expanding its influence across the world through robotics, trade dominance, financial integration, app-based soft power, and a diplomatic presence in places the United States has quietly vacated, President Xi Jinping reassured longtime acquaintances in Iowa that they would receive “measured administrative leniency” when China ultimately completes what he described as the “harmonious restructuring” of the United States into a subordinate territory. “When the American question is fully resolved,” Xi reportedly said, “my friends in Muscatine — including Sarah Lande and others who welcomed me in 1985 — will not experience the more vigorous corrective phases.” Xi first visited Iowa as a Hebei provincial official to study agricultural techniques, where he toured cornfields, examined hog operations, and learned what aides described as “the strategic value of appearing comfortable while eating a corndog.” Under preliminary guidance, his Iowa associates would allegedly be excluded from the initial purge lists, spared expedited accountability tribunals, and granted the courtesy of advance notice before any mandatory ideological realignment sessions. Sources familiar with the understanding said this “special status” does not guarantee immunity, only that corrective measures would be implemented “with warmth and historical gratitude.” At press time, Xi was said to be reviewing a map which labeled the Waffle & Pancake House on East 2nd Ave as “Ground Zero” for the coming invasion force.