Official Report: Beijing Constantly Angry

BEIJING — A new report by the Pakin Atoll Center for Strategic Asian Studies confirms what many have suspected: the Chinese Communist Party is constantly angry.

“Officials in Beijing are fucking pissed,” the report bluntly stated, opening its domestic analysis with a list of grievances. Researchers cited a job market “that barely has a pulse,” feeding nationwide doubts about the Party’s inherent right to rule. Local governments are “drowning in debt,” unable to sell half-constructed residential towers to buyers who don’t exist. And then there are the youth — “laying flat,” embracing a “rat lifestyle,” and generally refusing to be inspired by slogans.

But the tantrums don’t stop at the water’s edge. Globally, countries remain unwilling to award contracts to Chinese tech firms, fearing hidden spyware might hijack critical infrastructure. “Obviously, the denial of Huawei’s transparent intentions to infiltrate government databases in Europe is sending people over the edge,” a researcher noted.

Meanwhile, US-led restrictions on cutting-edge chips have created what analysts called “a daily blood-pressure event” for Zhongnanhai. “Every time Washington stops a 2-nanometer chip from reaching a Shenzhen port, a Politburo member throws a teacup,” the report said, adding that the shortage has caused “widespread performance anxiety” in both missiles and ministers.

Human-rights pressure over Xinjiang and Hong Kong remains a recurring trigger. “Whenever some foreign parliament passes another resolution, CCP interns switch out all the jade paperweights with styrofoam mockups,” one atoll-based researcher observed, citing leaders’ fury over the West’s “painful lack of appreciation for harmonious stability.”

Yet nothing — nothing — sparks meltdown quite like American military aid to Taiwan. “Even a single spare part for a single rusty jeep creates approximately eight hours of screaming,” the study found. One official was reported to have chewed through his desk while insisting such support “gravely undermines China’s peaceful desire to reunify everything it sees.”

At press time, the Foreign Ministry dismissed the findings as “laughable slander,” before hurling the report into a nearby wall.