China expert ready to make confident, completely wrong predictions

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – An expert on Chinese politics is preparing to make a wide-ranging variety of confident and completely hopeless predictions, it was announced yesterday.

Garth Finklebaum, emeritus professor of Chinese history at the University of Washington and amiable dotard, plans to appear on CNN, NBC, NPR and other media over the next few days, in order to make a number of firm, utterly misguided assertions about the 19th National Party Congress.

“There’s a lot of buzz at the moment about Chen Min’er,” Finklebaum remarked. “I don’t know why – but then I don’t know why not, either. Chen seems to be on the move. That could mean he’s about to be promoted or he’s going to be arrested. Either way, I’d definitely keep an eye on Chen.”

Over the last two decades, Finklebaum has authoritatively predicted the rise of democracy, the sexual revolution and how podcasts would bring lasting political reform. This year, Finklebaum has perfected his predictive technique by putting several names into a hat and drawing them out at random. Finklebaum today told a radio producer that, should they need him, he was also willing to talk assuredly about the situation on the Korean peninsula, adding, “I’ve just finished reading a book about it.”