Chinese Officials Struggle To Defend Self-Ascribed ‘Near-Arctic’ Status

HAIKOU, HAINAN — Chinese Foreign Affairs Minister Wang Yi appeared visibly uncomfortable Tuesday while attempting to defend China’s self-declared status as a “near-Arctic state,” delivering remarks from the blazing sands of Holiday Beach while dressed in tailored business shorts, $900 Ferragamo leather sandals, and repeatedly consulting the straw of his sweating double-shot mai tai. Squinting into the tropical sun and periodically fanning himself with a laminated map of the Northern Sea Route, Wang insisted China was “geographically and spiritually adjacent to the Arctic,” citing Mohe City—located a modest 900 miles south of the Arctic Circle—as proof of Beijing’s natural polar credentials. “Distance is a Western construct,” Wang said, pausing to stir his drink with the straw before wiping perspiration from his temples. “China feels cold when necessary.” Analysts noted that China lacks any Arctic coastline, permanent Arctic ports, or nearby bases from which to rapidly deploy ice-capable vessels, a point Wang dismissed as “overly technical.” “In today’s globalized world, proximity is about mindset,” he added, as aides unsuccessfully attempted to hold an umbrella over him against the noon sun. At press time, Wang reiterated China’s commitment to Arctic governance while requesting the conference conclude early due to what aides described as “unexpectedly aggressive humidity.”