“Red China, Red Mars,” says official
By ZHI RI
Interstellar Correspondent
China has declared “complete and total sovereignty” over Mars, according to Zhang Kejian, head of the China National Space Administration (CNSA).
“With the successful landing of Tianwen-1 at Utopia Planitia, our sovereignty automatically extended to Mars,” Zhang announced confidently, dismissing existing space treaties as “outdated Western constructs.”
Tianwen-1, which landed on May 14, 2021, deployed the Zhurong rover, initially believed to be for scientific exploration. However, newly released documents reveal its true mission included secretly constructing a dumpling restaurant and distributing leaflets on Communist Thought to any available outcropping, sand dune, or impact crater within range of its extendable claws.
“Everything on Mars belongs to us now,” Zhang continued. “Martian resources will be used to build a grand palace for future clones of President Xi Jinping. Should we encounter any Martians, they will be granted Chinese citizenship and issued passports.”
Asked for a legal basis for China’s claim, Zhang explained, “China is red, Mars is red. The logic is self-evident.”
When a journalist inquired how Beijing would respond if Martians preferred to keep their own citizenship, Zhang stared silently until the reporter looked away uncomfortably.
Zhang further outlined Zhurong’s objectives, which include establishing the Number One Martian School of Economic Thought, a community center for Martian Communist Cadres, and a mooncake shop on the corner.
“When the Martian proletariat has the correct information, they will inevitably embrace Chinese Communism with Martian Characteristics,” Zhang said. “The foolish Americans have landed on Mars four times and never once equipped their rovers with mechanical arms to distribute capitalist literature—probably because they don’t have any worth reading.”
China has also declared that all future landings by foreign nations will require explicit approval from Beijing. “We welcome cooperation,” Zhang said, “but unauthorized Mars landings will be considered a violation of Chinese sovereignty and met with strong diplomatic protests, followed by a sternly worded social media post.”
At press time, the newly formed Taiwanese Space Defense Force had already landed a colony ship on Phobos.
Got a tip? Contact us at cds@chinadailyshow.net
Follow this and other leading China news at @chinadailyshow on Twitter